Tyra Banks, known for standing in front of camera while technicians, make-up artists, Photoshoppers and photographers apply their trade, has just announced that she is writing a series of fantasy books for Random House. The title of the series is Modelland. Her announcement so disturbed me that I felt compelled to analyze her every word. Suffer along with me, won’t you?

Let’s start with the title of her post:

“Bankable Books”

Right out of the gate she considers herself a bankable author. Now that’s hubris. What’s worse, Bankable Books is the name of her new imprint. Bennett Cerf is rolling over in his grave.

I’m so EXCITED!! I said I was going to do it, and here it is!  It’s for all the girls and guys who want a lot more FANTASY in their lives…  and some fierceness and magic, romance and mystery, crazy and wild adventures, and yeah, some danger too.  It’s my novel called Modelland (pronounced “Model Land”) that takes you to a fantastical place you’ve never seen, or heard about, or read about before… Where dreams come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye. 

I like how she has to explain the pronunciation of Modelland. Judging by her potential readers, that was probably a wise idea. Her use of ALL-C APS at key moments indicates she may have a more lucrative career as an spam copywriter.

I think Modelland is going to really touch the dreamer in all of us, whether you’re aged anywhere from 8 to 80. (Please don’t be mad if you’re 7 or 81, but “eight to eighty” sounds better!)

Well, she’s reaching a pretty huge demographic there, you have to give her props for marketing savvy. And oh! The humor there at the end. I’m still wiping away the tears.

I hope it’s a story everyone will fall in love with.  And I know my partners at Random House (whom I love, BTW) are hoping you like it too, since we’re doing not one but a series of THREE Modelland books.  Hey, I think you’re going to have fun following the lives of the characters…  I won’t tell you their names YET, but I can tell you many of them are based on the real people in my life as well as some of the models I’ve known – both nice and “ice” (Brrrrr…..).

She loves her partners at Random House, btw. Well of course she does. They are paying her who knows how much to write a series of fantasy books called Modelland. She can’t tell us the character’s name yet because that is a closely-guarded secret, much like the iPhone 4G.  Apparently, the book will also include sound effects like “Brrrrrr.”

The story happens in a make-believe place called Modelland – every girl in the world wants to go there because it’s where “Intoxibellas” are trained.  Intoxibellas are drop-dead beautiful, kick-butt fierce and, yeah, maybe they have some powers too.  (But I’m confirming NOTHING! Ha. You gotta wait for the book.)  The story follows a teen girl and her friends who find themselves magically transported to Modelland, even though they’re really not supposed to be there. (Okay, now, that’s ALL I’m saying!)

A place of make-believe. Who even uses that term anymore? Intoxibellas? Not Anorexicions? She is so coy, she won’t confirm powers!1!1 “Magically transported.” As if there is any other way to arrive at a place of make-believe. Tyra almost gives the entire plot away, but stops herself short, thank-fucking-Zeus, because I do not want to know any spoilers!

Modelland has always been a part of my mind and my heart.  As you might know, I step into a bookstore and I shake (really!) because I love books so much.  Ever since I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to pick up a new book and see what worlds the writers had created for me. I especially loved books with strong girls and women – you know, girls with guts, smarts and attitude – and then one day it came to me… MODELLAND!   I’m getting it ready for you through my new division called Bankable Books and now I’m shaking for a different reason…  I’m excited that you’ll be able to read about this magical world that’s been living in my dreams for so many years.

So, look out for some special things I’ll be doing here at Tyra.com to start getting you ready for Modelland.  And stay tuned for more news from my company, Bankable Enterprises, where we live, eat, breathe, sleep and DREAM about ways to expand the definition of beauty!  I can’t wait for us live the dream of Modelland together!

She loves books so much she shakes? One day it just struck her…Modelland! I’m sure it was akin to when Middle-Earth struck Tolkien. Now she’s shaking because she’s making this announcement. Tyra needs Xanax.  So this make-believe place, this Modelland, where models go to get super-powers or some bullshit, this is what is in Tyra’s dreams at night? Screw the Xanax, she may need to be committed. Ahh, but all great artists are crazy.

I can’t wait to live the dream of Modelland. And play the inevitable video game. And watch the inevitable movie directed by either Brett Ratner or Michael Bay.

Me not want to exist anymore.

Here’s her original post if you want more suffering. And by suffering I mean: read the comments of her fans.

The iPad launched with an impressive lineup of titles, including Geometry Wars, Warpgate HD and X-Plane, but Pocket Legends, an action-MMO from Spacetime Studios quickly established itself as my favorite. Here is a game that delivers the goods; great 3D graphics, intuitive touch-controls, fast-paced action, atmospheric audio, addictive gameplay, smooth-as-silk multiplayer and a bevy of new content added at a blistering pace. Perhaps best of all, Spacetime Studios has delivered a game that is free to play, so there is no barrier to entry, though if you want to progress past level 13, you will have to pay a small, one-time fee that unlocks new content and maps.

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It was shortly after the initial release of the original Mount&Blade (2006) that I posted an article extolling its virtues. I was smitten with Mount&Blade and wanted the world to know how impressive this little game from Turkey was, created by an incredibly small team of only a handful of people. It’s one of those rare pleasures as a video game journalist, when you can take a new, unknown game by the hand and expose it to a wider audience. Low and behold, Mount&Blade began to find traction and before long, the game was being distributed by a proper publisher, received a retail release, and finally, after all these years, a sequel has emerged in the form of Mount&Blade Warband.

Once again, I am in love. It feels like the same girl I cherished before, but she has more to talk about, is in better shape, and has more depth. Oh, and 64 players can handle her at the same time, via multiplayer, the tramp.

Mount&Blade Warband Primer

Mount&Blade is strategy/action/RPG game unlike any other. In some aspects it feels like a medieval version of Grand Theft Auto, in that you can go anywhere and do whatever you want. In other respects, it feels like the Total War games, with epic battles depicted between two foes upon the battlefield. One can also find parallels between Bioware’s RPGs of old. Yet, despite similarities to other games, Mount&Blade is its own entity, a beautifully realized experience that has no peer or equal.

Mount&Blade casts you in the role of an up-and-coming warlord in the land of Calradia, a mammoth game world comprised of many factions. Once you have created a character by answering a few questions and adding skill points, you select a land of residency and begin your epic adventure from young upstart to, well, whatever you want to be.

Along the way, you will rise in skill, able to command more men (and women) under your banner. You will receive castles and villages to rule and improve as your standing rises amongst your people. You’ll wage war against roving bands of marauders, rescue hostages from the clutches of your opponents, break prisoners out of jail, fend of peasant revolts, siege castles, engage in political hijinks and try to make some special time with the ladies. Amidst all this, the game world is constantly evolving and changing as new political alliances are formed and new territories conquered.

Kill Everyone

There are so many wonderful elements that conspire to form a unified whole in Mount&Blade, but no element is more critical or outstanding than the battle sequences. This is the bread and butter of Mount&Blade, its single strongest aspect that, even four years later since the original release, has no competition.

Leading your army in battle is a thrilling, cinematic experience. Heading the charge while on horseback, your men flooding behind you with shouts of rage in their lungs, is one of the finer moments in all of gaming. When the two sides finally meet, and this after trudging through a rain of crossbow bolts and arrows, swords clash, horses fall and all manner of weapon are employed in a brutal engagement that can twist and turn by the second. Therein lies the true glory of Mount&Blade.

As your character gains in strength and power, you’ll have access to better weapons and mounts, all of which is reflected upon your character with an effective paper-doll system. So to will your army gain experience and increase their respective skills, rising up the ranks of their individual class type, from mounted knights to simple farmers with nothing more than a pitchfork to fend off the enemy.

Battles take place on randomized maps that mimic the general area you see from the overhead map, so if your battle begins in a forest, the 3D battlefield will be rendered as such. This means you can never really be quite sure as to what kind of terrain you’ll be dealing with, beyond a basic concept, as you could be facing high, sloping hills that will slow your progress. Your situation could be even more dire as you soon realize your army will have to go uphill while the enemy is poised for a quick, downward assault. This randomization within a defined variable means no two battles will ever play out the same, just one of many features that extends the playability of Mount&Blade considerably.

Mount&Blade Warband Multiplayer

The biggest addition to Mount&Blade Warband is multiplayer, a long-requested feature from the community that has finally become a reality. You’ll find plenty of game modes on offer, including standards like Capture the Flag and team deathwatch, plus a few interesting concepts like Siege.

Playing Mount&Blade Warband over the Internet has been surprisingly smooth, no small matter considering the game supports 64 players wailing on each other. Dealing with AI in the single-player campaign is one thing, but fighting live human opponents means you’re in for a real slugfest and the experience will be daunting and humiliating for new players, as you will get your ass handed to you by wily veterans. However, perseverance will pay off and you’ll soon find yourself felling opponents and, like the single-player, becoming hopelessly addicted.

Multiplayer is an important addition to the Mount&Blade universe and what you’ll find on offer is quite competent and rewarding, but I can’t help but feel far more could have been accomplished. Currently, Mount&Blade multiplayer feels like an aside, not the epic experience you find in single-player. I guess what I’m missing is that campaign feel, but instead of AI running around everywhere, I’d like to see human opponents and allies going about their business in a real-time world. Perhaps that is asking too much, but that seems like a reasonable, long-term goal for the developers of Mount&Blade.

The Rough Edges

Mount&Blade is not a perfect game by any stretch of the imagination. It has a lot of rough edges that have never been smoothed with the passing of time. For instance, the overall interface remains unattractive and cumbersome. Text can be hard to read and is presented in windows that are far too large and ungainly. Everything from the characters sheet to the inventory screen looks half-assed and poorly designed. Nothing here breaks the game or makes it unplayable in any way, but it is the one area where Mount&Blade has always been weak.

In terms of graphics, Mount&Blade Warband looks considerably better than all previous versions, using a ton of new tricks from HDR lighting to increased textures sizes. Though it has received a nice graphical upgrade, certain parts of the game remain feeble to the eyes, namely the interior of buildings, which lack character or solid aesthetics.

Certain aspects of the game could use a lot more work, specifically the siege of castles, something Mount&Blade has long struggled with. It remains a frustrating interlude as you watch your men helplessly try to navigate a ladder so they can breach the walls, much to no avail as they become stuck, fodder for the hungry bowmen lining the parapet.

My Wishlist

What’s Mount&Blade Warband missing? For my money, I’d love to see a more blood. Mount&Blade is pretty cheap with the blood. I want buckets of blood. I want severed limbs and rolling heads. I want bodies flailing around on the ground, legless foes pulling themselves to safety with their hands. Simply put, Mount&Blade needs more carnage. It’s the one aspect of the game that falls very short of reality and I don’t see any technical reason why these things can’t be done.

While I’m on this subject, I would like to urge all video game makers to up their blood quotient in war-games depicting battles, whether it be Modern Warfare or Mount&Blade. Games have always been criticized for being too graphic; I’d rather see them critiqued for being too realistic.

As much as I love the single-player campaign, very little has fundamentally changed in Mount&Blade from previous versions. I’d like to see a much richer political environment that isn’t so easily manipulated by a devious player. Further options on managing and operating castles and villages would also go a long way in enhancing the economic realities of the game.

Basically, I’m just being greedy, because as it stands, Mount&Blade is a marvel and I love it, warts and all, just the way it is.

How much do I love Mount&Blade? Well, a version of Mount&Blade has been on my hard drive since 2006. In that time, hundreds of games have come and gone, deleted, never to be seen again. Dragon Age…played to completion three times, deleted, gone. Mass Effect 2…deleted, gone. Neverwinter Nights 2…deleted, gone. Yet, Mount&Blade remains. It appears it will be sitting on my hard drive for at least another 4 years.

It has taken quite a long time for Edgar Rice Burroughs classic John Carter books to make their way to the big screen, but the finish line is getting ever closer now that Disney is fully on-board, casting has been completed, and the real work begins.  Considering the John Carter books were a heavy influence on James Cameron’s Avatar, one has to wonder if a John Carter of Mars movie will seem derivative of Avatar? I assume most people have not read, let alone heard of Edgar Rice Burroughs, so it will be entertaining to watch the inevitable articles coming in the future that claim John Carter is nothing more than a rip-off…

Here’s the line from Disney:

From Academy Award®-winning filmmaker Andrew Stanton (”Finding Nemo,” “WALL-E”), JOHN CARTER OF MARS brings this captivating hero to the big screen in a stunning adventure epic set on the wounded planet of Mars, a world inhabited by warrior tribes and exotic desert beings.  Based on the first of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ “Barsoom Series,” the film chronicles the journey of Civil-War veteran John Carter (TAYLOR KITSCH), who finds himself battling a new and mysterious war amidst a host of strange Martian inhabitants, including Tars Tarkas (WILLEM DAFOE) and Dejah Thoris (LYNN COLLINS).

Notes:

• Edgar Rice Burroughs was born in Chicago and is best known for writing and creating Tarzan – still one of the most successful and iconic fictional creations of all time. JOHN CARTER OF MARS is based on Burroughs’ first novel, “A Princess of Mars.”
• Academy Award^®-winning director/writer Andrew Stanton directed and co-wrote the screenplay for “WALLE,” which earned the Academy Award® and Golden Globe Award® for Best Animated Feature of 2008. He was Oscar® nominated for the screenplay. He made his directorial debut with “Finding Nemo,” garnering an Academy Award^® nomination for Best Original Screenplay and winning the Oscar® for Best Animated Feature Film of 2003. He was one of the four screenwriters to receive an Oscar^® nomination in 1996 for his contribution to “Toy Story,” and went on to receive credit as a screenwriter on subsequent Pixar films “A Bug’s Life,” “Toy Story 2,” “Monsters, Inc.,” “Finding Nemo” and “WALLE.” He served as co-director on “A Bug’s Life,” and was the executive producer of “Monsters, Inc.,” the 2006 Academy Award-winning “Ratatouille” and the 2009 smash hit “Up.”

Set in the wounded planet of Mars, JOHN CARTER OF MARS chronicles the journey of Civil-War veteran John Carter (TAYLOR KITSCH), who finds himself battling a new and mysterious war amidst a host of strange Martian inhabitants, including Tars Tarkas (WILLEM DAFOE) and Dejah Thoris (LYNN COLLINS).