Square-Enix has released a brand new trailer for Final Fantasy XIII and it features a new theme song by Leona Lewis. Now look, I’ll go on record as saying that I’m not the biggest Japanese RPG fan on the planet. I find the writing generally awful, the acting typically bad and the gameplay usually leans heavy on redundancy. This new trailer does nothing to minimize my fears and, in fact, elevates the game to new heights of….how to say this without without seeming homophobic….femininity? Is that more acceptable than “gay”? Or, in the words of the Governator, this new trailer makes me feel like a “girly man”.

I can no longer envision myself purchasing Final Fantasy XIII from a store where people might see me.

This trailer is painful in a way only the Japanese have mastered: shmaltzy music, grunts and groans and insufferable dialog.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go chop down a tree or engage in some kind of activity that makes me feel like a real man.