Tyra Banks, known for standing in front of camera while technicians, make-up artists, Photoshoppers and photographers apply their trade, has just announced that she is writing a series of fantasy books for Random House. The title of the series is Modelland. Her announcement so disturbed me that I felt compelled to analyze her every word. Suffer along with me, won’t you?

Let’s start with the title of her post:

“Bankable Books”

Right out of the gate she considers herself a bankable author. Now that’s hubris. What’s worse, Bankable Books is the name of her new imprint. Bennett Cerf is rolling over in his grave.

I’m so EXCITED!! I said I was going to do it, and here it is!  It’s for all the girls and guys who want a lot more FANTASY in their lives…  and some fierceness and magic, romance and mystery, crazy and wild adventures, and yeah, some danger too.  It’s my novel called Modelland (pronounced “Model Land”) that takes you to a fantastical place you’ve never seen, or heard about, or read about before… Where dreams come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye. 

I like how she has to explain the pronunciation of Modelland. Judging by her potential readers, that was probably a wise idea. Her use of ALL-C APS at key moments indicates she may have a more lucrative career as an spam copywriter.

I think Modelland is going to really touch the dreamer in all of us, whether you’re aged anywhere from 8 to 80. (Please don’t be mad if you’re 7 or 81, but “eight to eighty” sounds better!)

Well, she’s reaching a pretty huge demographic there, you have to give her props for marketing savvy. And oh! The humor there at the end. I’m still wiping away the tears.

I hope it’s a story everyone will fall in love with.  And I know my partners at Random House (whom I love, BTW) are hoping you like it too, since we’re doing not one but a series of THREE Modelland books.  Hey, I think you’re going to have fun following the lives of the characters…  I won’t tell you their names YET, but I can tell you many of them are based on the real people in my life as well as some of the models I’ve known – both nice and “ice” (Brrrrr…..).

She loves her partners at Random House, btw. Well of course she does. They are paying her who knows how much to write a series of fantasy books called Modelland. She can’t tell us the character’s name yet because that is a closely-guarded secret, much like the iPhone 4G.  Apparently, the book will also include sound effects like “Brrrrrr.”

The story happens in a make-believe place called Modelland – every girl in the world wants to go there because it’s where “Intoxibellas” are trained.  Intoxibellas are drop-dead beautiful, kick-butt fierce and, yeah, maybe they have some powers too.  (But I’m confirming NOTHING! Ha. You gotta wait for the book.)  The story follows a teen girl and her friends who find themselves magically transported to Modelland, even though they’re really not supposed to be there. (Okay, now, that’s ALL I’m saying!)

A place of make-believe. Who even uses that term anymore? Intoxibellas? Not Anorexicions? She is so coy, she won’t confirm powers!1!1 “Magically transported.” As if there is any other way to arrive at a place of make-believe. Tyra almost gives the entire plot away, but stops herself short, thank-fucking-Zeus, because I do not want to know any spoilers!

Modelland has always been a part of my mind and my heart.  As you might know, I step into a bookstore and I shake (really!) because I love books so much.  Ever since I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to pick up a new book and see what worlds the writers had created for me. I especially loved books with strong girls and women – you know, girls with guts, smarts and attitude – and then one day it came to me… MODELLAND!   I’m getting it ready for you through my new division called Bankable Books and now I’m shaking for a different reason…  I’m excited that you’ll be able to read about this magical world that’s been living in my dreams for so many years.

So, look out for some special things I’ll be doing here at Tyra.com to start getting you ready for Modelland.  And stay tuned for more news from my company, Bankable Enterprises, where we live, eat, breathe, sleep and DREAM about ways to expand the definition of beauty!  I can’t wait for us live the dream of Modelland together!

She loves books so much she shakes? One day it just struck her…Modelland! I’m sure it was akin to when Middle-Earth struck Tolkien. Now she’s shaking because she’s making this announcement. Tyra needs Xanax.  So this make-believe place, this Modelland, where models go to get super-powers or some bullshit, this is what is in Tyra’s dreams at night? Screw the Xanax, she may need to be committed. Ahh, but all great artists are crazy.

I can’t wait to live the dream of Modelland. And play the inevitable video game. And watch the inevitable movie directed by either Brett Ratner or Michael Bay.

Me not want to exist anymore.

Here’s her original post if you want more suffering. And by suffering I mean: read the comments of her fans.

A mathematician named Kokichi Sugihara has won the Best Illusion of the Year, an award handed out by the Vision Sciences Society. The video below is a demonstration of the winning illusion, a gravity defying mind-bender that doesn’t reveal its secrets until the base is turned. There is no trickery here, no CGI, and no magnets.

Sugihara’s illusion was inspired by a computer program he wrote that turns two-dimensional line drawings into renderings of three-dimensional solids. The program worked beautifully for everyday solids, but Sugihara wondered what would happen if he fed his program some drawings of ‘impossible figures’, of the kind that might appear in an artwork by M. C. Escher.

“Most of the time, the software rejected the input,” Sugihara says. “But once in a while it found a solution.” The result was a number of figures that appeared to move in unnatural ways, including the gravity-defying balls that took the prize.

Source

Dan Akroyd has made a career out of acting like the smart guy. This video proves that, indeed, he is an actor playing smart, not a smart actor being himself.  Somewhere along the line, poor Dan cast off any notion of rational thought and slipped down the rabbit-hole of UFO conspiracy theories.

Wherever Derek Smart goes, trouble soon follows. Don’t know who Derek Smart is? You’re lucky. Derek Smart is a game designer and producer, known more for his self-deluded impressions of his own abilities than any actual product. He has long been known for writing barely readable rants that attack players, the industry, co-workers and investors. He is constantly being sued by someone or something and despite it all, seriously believes he is infallible and that all of his troubles are the result of other people and not his own failings as a person. Derek Smart was responsible for one of the worst games of all time, Battlecruiser 3000, a game that shipped in the 90s that literally did not work, despite years of hype and promises.

Derek Smart is a joke, perhaps the least liked individual in the industry, so it was with great shock and liberal doses of amusement that I recently noticed that Quest Online hired Derek Smart to be their new president, which has to rank up there with BP’s decision not to install safety valves. Quest Online is behind the MMO Alganon, which in its own right is an industry joke because the game was found to be stealing art assets from World of Warcraft, including elements of the interface, with plenty of indications that specific pieces of art had been literally copy-and-pasted. So Derek comes in as president, immediately gets into pissing match with David Allen, then president, which leads to Allen’s firing with Smart assuming the command chair. That was only a few weeks ago.

On April 19th, Derek Smart posted one of his typical rants on his blog, directly aimed at David Allen, who he eventually replaced at Quest Online. I’d post some of it here but Derek is already threatening to sue people who repost it, so follow this link for a good laugh.

So what’s happening now? Now it has been discovered that Quest Online is stealing Press Releases and not even bothering to re-write any words, as discovered by F13 and KittenRats.

Remember this statement from the Alganon press release? Note it is dated Wednesday, April 28, 2010.

“Traditionally, massively multiplier online games have been about three basic gameplay pillars – combat, exploration and character progression,” Derek Smart continued. “In Alganon, in addition to these we’ve added the fourth pillar to the equation; a story. We delivered a fun, immersive adventure that gamers expect in a top quality massively multiplayer online game. To top it all off, we’re not done yet. A whole new adventure with new updates will follow soon, starting with a consignment house, new classes, PvP and much more.”

Now check out this statement from the SWTOR folks, dated October 21, 2008.

“Traditionally, massively multiplayer online games have been about three basic gameplay pillars – combat, exploration and character progression,” said Dr. Ray Muzyka, Co-Founder and General Manager/CEO of BioWare and General Manager/Vice President of Electronic Arts Inc., “In Star Wars: The Old Republic, we’re fusing BioWare’s heritage of critically-acclaimed storytelling with the amazing pedigree of Lucasfilm and LucasArts, and adding a brand-new fourth pillar to the equation – story. At the same time, we will still deliver all the fun features and activities that fans have come to expect in a AAA massively multiplayer online game. To top it all off, Star Wars: The Old Republic is set in a very exciting, dynamic period in the Star Wars universe.”

Derek Smart has this to say: “While I’m certain that there is a reasonable explanation for the similarities in the releases, I simply do not want to speculate but only to say that we are going to investigate this tomorrow.” Smart says he will issue an official statement sometime next week “once I have all the facts.”

Keep on keeping on, Derek, at least your behind-the-scenes antics are more entertaining than your games. A couple more failures under your belt and you’ll be ready to transition into banking, where you’ll finally be richly rewarded for incompetence.