One doesn’t often hear about Giraffe attacks on people, but that changed recently when a woman was kicked to death by a Giraffe in South Africa as she was out walking her dogs. She was discovered by her family with a broken neck.

Her brother Hannes Visser said trackers suspected the pets disturbed a herd of giraffes which included a cow and calf who may have become protective of her offspring.

“It seems as if she grabbed the dog and tried to protect it. That was when the giraffe kicked her from the back in the neck. Her neck was broken. She died instantly,” Mr Visser said.

Despite their elegant appearance, giraffes possess a powerful kick if threatened. Scientists said one kick can shatter the skull or break the spine of a lion – one of its main predators.

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I can’t tell you how many times I have heard women bemoan the lack of a vegetable planters in their bras. How long must women wait before they can secure their breasts AND plant rice? Not much longer, thankfully. It is called the Triumph Japan bra and even has a water hose with seedlings acting as a belt.

Yoshiko Masuda, of Triumph, said: “Over the last year, young Japanese women have taken a tremendous interest in agriculture.

“We wanted other women to experience farming as well. That’s what inspired this bra.”

Triumph Japan has a reputation for making “gimmick” underwear that conveys a political message.

Last year, Triumph made a bra that featured food bowls around the cups, allowing busy women to eat on the go.

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According to a recent survey, 54% of women polled indicated they would be more likely to have a relationship with an iPhone owner as opposed to some other brand. The same survey said the general consensus is that iPhone owners are better groomed, communicate more effectively and have a good sense of humor. Now let’s say you don’t own an iPhone but you want the edge with women. What are your options for improving your odds? Probably not an Android phone. No, your best bet, according to new research, is good old Celery, the vegetable that is only palatable with a dollop of peanut-butter.

CELERY has been labelled “vegetable Viagra” after research shows it increases the pheromone levels in men’s sweat, making them more attractive to women.

Judy Gaman, Dr Walter Gaman and Dr Mark Anderson, authors of the new book Stay Young: Ten Proven Steps to Ultimate Health, said celery contains androstenone – a naturally occurring steroid – and upping your concentration of it should increase pheromone secretion.

They said the effects of eating it are immediate, but warned men not to go overboard, men’s lifestyle website asylum.com reported today.

“We recommend that a guy work out, have a nice warm shower, chomp on a few sticks of celery, brush his teeth and then head out the door smelling good,” said Dr Gaman.

Another reason why men should be keen to eat their vegetables is that celery also increases sex drive and ups the amount of ejaculatory fluids, making climax stronger.

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Tyra Banks, known for standing in front of camera while technicians, make-up artists, Photoshoppers and photographers apply their trade, has just announced that she is writing a series of fantasy books for Random House. The title of the series is Modelland. Her announcement so disturbed me that I felt compelled to analyze her every word. Suffer along with me, won’t you?

Let’s start with the title of her post:

“Bankable Books”

Right out of the gate she considers herself a bankable author. Now that’s hubris. What’s worse, Bankable Books is the name of her new imprint. Bennett Cerf is rolling over in his grave.

I’m so EXCITED!! I said I was going to do it, and here it is!  It’s for all the girls and guys who want a lot more FANTASY in their lives…  and some fierceness and magic, romance and mystery, crazy and wild adventures, and yeah, some danger too.  It’s my novel called Modelland (pronounced “Model Land”) that takes you to a fantastical place you’ve never seen, or heard about, or read about before… Where dreams come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye. 

I like how she has to explain the pronunciation of Modelland. Judging by her potential readers, that was probably a wise idea. Her use of ALL-C APS at key moments indicates she may have a more lucrative career as an spam copywriter.

I think Modelland is going to really touch the dreamer in all of us, whether you’re aged anywhere from 8 to 80. (Please don’t be mad if you’re 7 or 81, but “eight to eighty” sounds better!)

Well, she’s reaching a pretty huge demographic there, you have to give her props for marketing savvy. And oh! The humor there at the end. I’m still wiping away the tears.

I hope it’s a story everyone will fall in love with.  And I know my partners at Random House (whom I love, BTW) are hoping you like it too, since we’re doing not one but a series of THREE Modelland books.  Hey, I think you’re going to have fun following the lives of the characters…  I won’t tell you their names YET, but I can tell you many of them are based on the real people in my life as well as some of the models I’ve known – both nice and “ice” (Brrrrr…..).

She loves her partners at Random House, btw. Well of course she does. They are paying her who knows how much to write a series of fantasy books called Modelland. She can’t tell us the character’s name yet because that is a closely-guarded secret, much like the iPhone 4G.  Apparently, the book will also include sound effects like “Brrrrrr.”

The story happens in a make-believe place called Modelland – every girl in the world wants to go there because it’s where “Intoxibellas” are trained.  Intoxibellas are drop-dead beautiful, kick-butt fierce and, yeah, maybe they have some powers too.  (But I’m confirming NOTHING! Ha. You gotta wait for the book.)  The story follows a teen girl and her friends who find themselves magically transported to Modelland, even though they’re really not supposed to be there. (Okay, now, that’s ALL I’m saying!)

A place of make-believe. Who even uses that term anymore? Intoxibellas? Not Anorexicions? She is so coy, she won’t confirm powers!1!1 “Magically transported.” As if there is any other way to arrive at a place of make-believe. Tyra almost gives the entire plot away, but stops herself short, thank-fucking-Zeus, because I do not want to know any spoilers!

Modelland has always been a part of my mind and my heart.  As you might know, I step into a bookstore and I shake (really!) because I love books so much.  Ever since I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to pick up a new book and see what worlds the writers had created for me. I especially loved books with strong girls and women – you know, girls with guts, smarts and attitude – and then one day it came to me… MODELLAND!   I’m getting it ready for you through my new division called Bankable Books and now I’m shaking for a different reason…  I’m excited that you’ll be able to read about this magical world that’s been living in my dreams for so many years.

So, look out for some special things I’ll be doing here at Tyra.com to start getting you ready for Modelland.  And stay tuned for more news from my company, Bankable Enterprises, where we live, eat, breathe, sleep and DREAM about ways to expand the definition of beauty!  I can’t wait for us live the dream of Modelland together!

She loves books so much she shakes? One day it just struck her…Modelland! I’m sure it was akin to when Middle-Earth struck Tolkien. Now she’s shaking because she’s making this announcement. Tyra needs Xanax.  So this make-believe place, this Modelland, where models go to get super-powers or some bullshit, this is what is in Tyra’s dreams at night? Screw the Xanax, she may need to be committed. Ahh, but all great artists are crazy.

I can’t wait to live the dream of Modelland. And play the inevitable video game. And watch the inevitable movie directed by either Brett Ratner or Michael Bay.

Me not want to exist anymore.

Here’s her original post if you want more suffering. And by suffering I mean: read the comments of her fans.