In order to celebrate the 50th anniversary of SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence), England’s Telegraph newspaper asked readers to submit what they would like to communicate to aliens before the visit Earth. Expecting wonderful, uplifting notes extolling our virtues as humans, the Telegraph was shocked to discover the opposite, with the overwhelming majority asking for aliens to please put us out of our misery.

For what would he learn about mankind? First, that we are vicious, creatures who have already done a great job of wrecking our home. “Please kill us now … have no mercy,” urged a gentleman from Indiana. “We are evil and you must defend yourself.”

“Keep away from this planet,” agreed Pamela from Sicily. “Mankind is only intent on depleting, abusing and destroying [it]. They will do the same to yours should they find it. Mankind is the worst virus in the universe. You have been warned.”

Nick from Calne was equally blunt: “If you manage to work out how to travel to us, don’t bother, as we’ll probably probe you, try to blow you up or worse still, steal your technology and invade… Have a nice day.”

Rob from Georgia, meanwhile, was prepared to throw the rest of mankind to the lions: “Dearest Aliens, If you choose to conquer Earth, please do not kill or enslave those of us who can name all 12 men to have walked on the Moon. We are the ones worth keeping around.”

Seema from Elgin had a compelling reason for ET not to bother with us: “If you’re planning to visit our planet, please know you will need to remove all metal from your person, take your shoes off and submit to a full body scan, carry all liquids/gels/aerosols in clear plastic bottles no bigger than 3.4oz, surrender all cigarette lighters and batteries, pack all jams and jellies (but pies can be carried on)… Oh, yes. Welcome to the Earth!”

L’Ogre has created a wonderful music video for the song 70 Million, by the band Hold Your Horses! In the video, various art masterpieces are recreated with stunning accuracy, creating a beautiful montage of creativity.

70 Million by Hold Your Horses ! from L’Ogre on Vimeo.

Unfortunately one of the movies I was most exited about last year came and went before I had a chance to see it in theaters. The film I missed tells the timeless tale of two cultures in conflict. One is comprised of a dark-skinned race of people who are misunderstood and are being exploited by another group who considers themselves superior. In an attempt to gain total control the second group hatches a plot that takes advantage of medical science and uses the enemy’s own bodies against themselves. They also lie to one of the males and trick him into working as their inside man in order to keep the peace and prevent larger-scale violence and destruction.

While it sounds like I may be describing Avatar, that’s actually the plot of a different movie we’ve mentioned more than a time or two here on InfoAddict. The smaller independent film I am referring to is called Black Dynamite and it had so limited a release for such a short span of time that I never could find it playing anywhere even close to a time I could make it.

Well Black Dynamite was finally released on DVD yesterday and I can say without reservation that it was worth the wait. I rented it from my local Blockbuster early and have watched it several times already. Not because I am trying to squeeze every penny I can out of the rental fee, but because their are new things I notice every watch-through and some parts keep getting funnier. To put it on the t on the same level as “This Is Spinal Tap” would be a little blasphemous, but it would be accurate to say that it succeeds well at delivering the same kind of layered, deadpan, seemingly unintentional comedy that really grows on you.

If I go to return it at Blockbuster today it will only be because I plan on stopping somewhere else on the way home to buy a copy of my own.

As you can see from the image above (stolen from Kotaku), Americans have apparently demanded a dumber, lazier keyboard to help facilitate this already overly persistent Internet lingo that has given us such imaginatively constructed “words” such as “TTYL” and “BRB.”

Well, luckily for consumers, Fast Finger Keyboards has debuted its official hyper-ergonomic/brain dead keyboard that switches between alphabetical and QWERTY-style layouts and contains such highly necessary everyday initialisms such as “BTW.”

[Note from the grammar ninja: "BTW" is not an acronym.  To quote the immortal words of the ultimate grammar policeman, George Carlin: "An acronym is not just any set of initials.  It applies only to those that are pronounced as words.  MADD, DARE, NATO, and UNICEF are acronyms.  FBI, CIA, and KGB are not.  They're just pricks."]

Yes, thanks to Fast Finger Keyboards, now you too can kill brain cells by typing “lol” with a single keystroke.  Much like the word “you,” which evidently contains two too-many letters for the majority of cell phone owners, “lol” needed to be shortened to some retarded form of “internet shorthand” (as evidenced by “u” being frequently substituted for “you”).  But since that backfired, keyboard engineers simply reduced the number of keystrokes required to “lol,” increasing speed, efficiency and productivity in daily loling activities.

Not to be outdone by this stunning contribution to the further degradation of the English language, I have designed my own patented ULTIMATE PWNAGE keyboard which not only offers both alphabetical and QWERTY-style layouts, but contains a built-in infra red sensor beam (like those found on your typical high-end public toilets) that detects whether your bedroom door is being unceremoniously opened without your approval and instantly closes your porn-viewing tabs before your wife/girlfriend/mom/Aunt Bertha scares the hell out you by screaming “That’s not what nurses are supposed to do!”

Additionally, the F1 through F12 keys will support the following ergonomic features:

F1 generates a random Chuck Norris joke in every available MMORPG chat channel.
F2 contains a rapid-fire turbo feature that transforms your squat/sit button into instant, high-speed teabagging controls.
F3 posts a random picture of Mr. T.
F4 embeds your forum signature with an ascii-based image of Wacko Jacko beating the shit out of a parked car at the end of the original 1991 Black or White music video.
F5 links to this video of Steven Seagal saying “I’m going to take you to the bank, senator Trent.  To the blood bank.”
F6 does the Mario.
F7 recites George Carlin’s seven dirty words you can’t say on television – seven times.
F8 links to this video of Tommy Davidson from In Living Color spoofing Wacko Jacko beating the shit out a parked at the end of the original 1991 Black or White music video.
F9 translates your sentences into Australian.
F10 teaches you French with the special Groundkeeper Willie-edition of Rosetta Stone.
F11 queues an audio clip of Paul Hogan to tell your Modern Warfare 2 opponents “That’s not a knife.”
F12 does nothing noticeable at first, then gives you herpes two days later.

Satisfaction guaranteed or I commit seppuku.