As you can see from the image above (stolen from Kotaku), Americans have apparently demanded a dumber, lazier keyboard to help facilitate this already overly persistent Internet lingo that has given us such imaginatively constructed “words” such as “TTYL” and “BRB.”
Well, luckily for consumers, Fast Finger Keyboards has debuted its official hyper-ergonomic/brain dead keyboard that switches between alphabetical and QWERTY-style layouts and contains such highly necessary everyday initialisms such as “BTW.”
[Note from the grammar ninja: "BTW" is not an acronym. To quote the immortal words of the ultimate grammar policeman, George Carlin: "An acronym is not just any set of initials. It applies only to those that are pronounced as words. MADD, DARE, NATO, and UNICEF are acronyms. FBI, CIA, and KGB are not. They're just pricks."]
Yes, thanks to Fast Finger Keyboards, now you too can kill brain cells by typing “lol” with a single keystroke. Much like the word “you,” which evidently contains two too-many letters for the majority of cell phone owners, “lol” needed to be shortened to some retarded form of “internet shorthand” (as evidenced by “u” being frequently substituted for “you”). But since that backfired, keyboard engineers simply reduced the number of keystrokes required to “lol,” increasing speed, efficiency and productivity in daily loling activities.
Not to be outdone by this stunning contribution to the further degradation of the English language, I have designed my own patented ULTIMATE PWNAGE keyboard which not only offers both alphabetical and QWERTY-style layouts, but contains a built-in infra red sensor beam (like those found on your typical high-end public toilets) that detects whether your bedroom door is being unceremoniously opened without your approval and instantly closes your porn-viewing tabs before your wife/girlfriend/mom/Aunt Bertha scares the hell out you by screaming “That’s not what nurses are supposed to do!”
Additionally, the F1 through F12 keys will support the following ergonomic features:
F1 generates a random Chuck Norris joke in every available MMORPG chat channel.
F2 contains a rapid-fire turbo feature that transforms your squat/sit button into instant, high-speed teabagging controls.
F3 posts a random picture of Mr. T.
F4 embeds your forum signature with an ascii-based image of Wacko Jacko beating the shit out of a parked car at the end of the original 1991 Black or White music video.
F5 links to this video of Steven Seagal saying “I’m going to take you to the bank, senator Trent. To the blood bank.”
F6 does the Mario.
F7 recites George Carlin’s seven dirty words you can’t say on television – seven times.
F8 links to this video of Tommy Davidson from In Living Color spoofing Wacko Jacko beating the shit out a parked at the end of the original 1991 Black or White music video.
F9 translates your sentences into Australian.
F10 teaches you French with the special Groundkeeper Willie-edition of Rosetta Stone.
F11 queues an audio clip of Paul Hogan to tell your Modern Warfare 2 opponents “That’s not a knife.”
F12 does nothing noticeable at first, then gives you herpes two days later.
Satisfaction guaranteed or I commit seppuku.
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